User's Guide to Your New Bohemian!
by x Rajah x
Summary: You know you’ve wished at least once for your own little Boho to love and huggle forever and ever. Well, here’s a manual to guide you should you become the lucky owner of a BOHEMIAN unit. Will expand to include every Boho, including Benny.
1. MARK COHEN

Title: User's Guide to Your New Bohemian

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Summary: You know you've wished at least once for your own little Boho to love and huggle forever and ever. Well, here's a manual to guide you should you become the lucky owner of a BOHEMIAN unit. Will expand to include every Boho, including Benny.

Notes: I'm not the first one to think of character user's guides. I actually don't know who is. But I do know that I was inspired by Evey1812 when I wrote this. So I give her some credit, I guess. I don't know who first made characters into units, but whoever did, credit to them too.

FIRST UP... MARK!

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**The User's Guide and Manual to:**

**MARK COHEN**

**Copyright: Jon Larson's Musical Bots Ltd.**

**2007**

**Chief Technical and Mechanical Advisor: x Rajah x**

Congratulations, RENThead!

You are now the proud owner of you very own MARK unit. We thank you for your purchase and hope that you will obtain maximum enjoyment from your MARK unit.

In order to gain the most value from your MARK unit, we advise that you adhere to the guidelines and instructions listed below.

**TECHNICAL DETAILS OF YOUR MARK UNIT:**

Name: Mark Cohen

Type: Human (male)

Manufacturing Company: Scarfy McScarferStein & Co.

Height: Five feet, eight inches

Controls: Your MARK unit is programmed to be voice-activated, but may also be stimulated by the presence of a MAUREEN unit, phone calls from his mother, being pelted by incessant fangirls, and gas pains.

**ACCESSORIES:**

Your MARK unit is shipped to you without any extra shipping fee and includes its very own:

**Blue and white striped scarf:** Your MARK unit will want to wear this all the time. (Also delivered with a blue and gray scarf for film adaptation usage)

Note: Your MARK unit's scarf is dry-clean only.

**Camera:** Your MARK unit's camera is permanently cemented in his grip, so you needn't worry about him losing it, and any emotional trauma that would inevitably result.

**Bike:** Your MARK unit has a big, shiny bicycle that he will wish to ride around New York on occasion. Please remind him to exercise caution as he has been known to ride it without a helmet.

**Clothes:** Your MARK unit comes dressed in a pair of tan SLACKS, a red and blue striped SWEATER, and SHOES. He also comes with a jacket for outdoor usage, though it is not recommended that you leave your MARK unit outside for long periods of time, as this has resulted in the creation of a documentary about random bums in recent clinical trials. (See troubleshooting information.)

Note: Your MARK unit's clothes are removable for CLEANING PURPOSES ONLY.

**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:**

Your MARK unit was manufactured and designed to be user-friendly and reliable.

Aside from being a solution for your boredom and the object of your affection/gloating, your MARK unit has several practical and sensible uses:

_Camera-Man:_

Does the camera love you? Your MARK unit is always happy to film, whatever the occasion, even if you wish for him to film something completely absurd, such as the screening of a call via an answering machine.

Note: Always be sure that your MARK unit has juice in his battery.

Note: Be sure never to let a MAUREEN unit take your MARK unit's camera into her possession unless it is your MARK unit's bar mitzvah.

_Specimen for Pleasing the Eye:_

Your MARK unit is downright adorable. If you find scrawny, pale, bespectacled Jew boys to be irresistibly attractive, then you are welcome to fawn over your MARK unit for hours on end.

_Reporter of Ridiculous Tabloid Stories:_

Hey, if no one else will do it, your MARK unit will. Have the sudden need to hear a story about vampire welfare queens who are compulsive bowlers? Your MARK unit is happy to oblige, unless of course he is abruptly switched into UTTER FRUSTRATION WITH ALEXI mode, in which case your MARK unit will begin to sing a little song about living in America at the end of the millennium.

Note: This song reaching its completion requires the purchase of a ROGER unit. It should also be noted that if you wish to use your MARK unit for musical pleasure, we recommend the purchase of a ROGER unit. (Unless you solely wish to hear "Halloween" )... see Troubleshooting Information for more info.

_Information Provider:_

Your MARK unit is fully prepared to spout out the date and time at any given moment, as he is fully equipped with expert narrating skills.

Note: This time feature is not available to those outside of the Eastern Time zone.

**CLEANING:**

Your MARK unit must be washed in warm water with lavender body wash. Should he be subjected to anything less, Scarfy McScarferStein & Co. is not responsible for any injury acquired by the consumer.

MARK units and ROGER units should always be washed separately, for fear of the generation of mass MarkRoger romance fics.

**FAQs (FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS)**

**Q:** My MARK unit is turning blue. Is this a problem?

**A:** Provided that it is solely your MARK unit's feet turning blue, it is not. Should your MARK unit's face turn blue, it is likely that your MARK unit's scarf is on too tight. This problem can be fixed with the use of a simple screwdriver and possibly pliers.

**Q:** Close on my MARK unit's nosedive. Will he get out of here alive?

**A:** Your MARK unit is programmed to be durable and to withstand erosion, rusting, global warming, temperature and climate fluctuations, and the feelings associated with being dumped for a woman. This being said, we still do not recommend that you cause your MARK unit to do a nosedive off of anything high. (Unless of course you have your MARK unit programmed in the NYTW setting, in which case, you will have quite a mess to clean up.)

Note: You may send your broken MARK unit to our 24 HOUR FIX-IT CENTER by calling our hotline: 1-800-SPLATTER. Please allow ample time for injury repair, depending on how grave the damage is.

**Q:** My MARK unit is lonely, bored, and horny. What should I do?

**A:** It is very likely that you may have your MARK unit set on the POST-MAUREEN setting if this occurs. Though various cures for this are available, we do not recommend the usage of a ROGER unit as a remedy (see CLEANING). A common antidote used for this technical glitch is quite simple. You may choose to switch your MARK unit to its MUCHO MASTURBATION setting, provided that this problem does not occur on the high holy days.

Note: Never, under any circumstance, should your MARK unit be permitted to get together with a JOANNE unit, a bottle of champagne, and an accountant's ledger and "go at it."

**Q:** My MARK unit is tangoing with his ex-girlfriend's new lesbian love interest. Is this weird?

**A:** It's weird. Very weird. Fuckin' weird. Just ignore the weirdness of it and enjoy your MARK unit's impressive ability to strike a perfect tango pose.

**TROUBLESHOOTING:**

Note: Scarfy McScarferStein & Co. is not responsible for any problems regarding your MARK unit, as we are mainly credited to the assembly of your MARK unit. Any internal problems that you should have concerning his character are NOT OUR PROBLEM. Should you have any questions or comments after reading this section, we recommend that you DEAL WITH IT. Should you have any complaints, we recommend that you GO TO HELL.

**Problem:** My MARK unit feels like going insane, has a fire in his brain, and he's thinking of drinking gasoline.

**Solution:** Don't panic. It is very possible that your MARK unit has accumulated a vast amount of MASS EMOTIONAL BUILD-UP. This occurs when your have programmed your MARK unit on the DATING MAUREEN setting. Simply switch its setting back to POST-MAUREEN and perform a routine cleaning of your MARK unit's brain. And in the meantime, keep all gasoline out of his reach and in a "child-safe" container. Also keep a fire extinguisher handy, just in case.

**Problem:** My MARK unit looks glum.

**Solution:** In the event of your MARK unit undergoing a sudden change of mood, it is likely that he has just sold his soul for three grand a segment, or witnessed his ex-girlfriend becoming engaged to a woman. Or both in a matter of minutes. When this happens, your MARK unit requires a CHEER-ME-UP immediately. This can be executed in many forms. You are perfectly welcome to hug your MARK unit should you desire to.

**Problem:** My MARK unit feels lousy.

**Solution:** Contrary to popular belief, this condition is not the same as the aforementioned. If your MARK unit feels lousy, he should be permitted to do a little tango with a JOANNE unit, and then tell said JOANNE unit that her new girlfriend is cheating on her. Once this happens, this feeling of LOUSINESS should be easily transferred to the JOANNE unit, and your MARK unit should feel great.

**Problem:** My MARK unit has created a documentary about random homeless bums.

**Solution:** It is very possible that you left your MARK unit outside too long. Should you prefer it, there is an ALTERNATE ENDING PACKAGE available for purchase that does not entirely focus upon said documentary. It is recommended however, that you accommodate your MARK unit's aspirations to create his own film, or he may be forced to work for that sleazy show Buzzline.

**Problem:** My MARK unit has got his work.

**Solution:** It is a common misconception that MARK units live for their work and are in love with their work. Recent studies, however, involving the use of a ROGER unit have told us that your MARK unit may actually be hiding in his work. To prevent further problems, we have installed each MARK unit with a custom microchip that enables you to locate him at any given time in the event of such an emergency.

**Problem:** My MARK unit won't sing for me.

**Solution:** If you have not yet purchased a ROGER unit, it is quite possible that you have your MARK unit on its FILM ADAPTATION setting. If you wish to hear your MARK unit sing solo, a.k.a. "Halloween", you may choose to switch your MARK unit to its MUSICAL setting. Should you wish to keep your MARK unit on its FILM ADAPTATION setting, we recommend that you either purchase a ROGER unit and have them sing another song, or send for the DELETED SCENES PACKAGE (not included

with original purchase).

Note: If you send for the DELETED SCENES PACKAGE within thirty days of your purchase of your MARK unit, we'll send you the ALTERNATE ENDING PACKAGE as a free bonus!

**FINAL NOTE:**

We sincerely hope that you enjoy your new MARK unit so much that you find yourself squeeing uncontrollably.

**-------------**

More BOHOS later!

So what do you think? XD

This made me want a MARK unit really bad. ;) And wow, I'm on a roll, here. I'm sitting here writing up a storm!

I'll just say that I posted this in honor of Adam and Anthony's last day at the Nederlander. And that I'm kinda depressed about that... :( Even though I was blessed enough to see them during this time period, I'm gonna miss hearing about their run.

But then, I'm seeing ADAM in concert on Wednesday, so I'm also happy.

Poor baby. (hugs him) His wrist needs to get better.

Also, is anyone interested in joining a RENT fansite?

I am a main administrator at a RENT fansite called Measure Life in Love. We are looking to begin a RENT roleplay and need one more person. (Anyone wanna RP as BENNY?) Even if you don't want to play Benny, and if all the slots are filled (once we get a Benny, they will be), we still welcome any new members. They only thing we require is that you like RENT! (That means you!) Also: if you want to RP, there is a "Random Roleplay" where people can jump in and play as anyone they please at any given time, so you can participate. There's also lots of other cool stuff there, and you'll meet new RENThead friends!

Please click my homepage link on my profile if you'd like to join in!

Okay, I've rambled on too long.

REVIEW PLEASE!


	2. MAUREEN JOHNSON

Hello guys! I'm so tickled by the explosion of response for this, yay! Thankies so muchies for the revieweeouuussss.

Ahem. More after you read.

NEXT UP... MAUREEN!

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**The User's Guide and Manual to:**

**MAUREEN JOHNSON**

**Copyright: Jon Larson's Musical Bots Ltd.**

**2007**

**Chief Technical and Mechanical Advisor: x Rajah x**

Congratulations, RENThead!

You are now the proud owner of your very own MAUREEN unit. We thank you for your purchase and hope that you will obtain maximum enjoyment from your MAUREEN unit.

In order to gain the most value from your MAUREEN unit, we advise that you adhere to the guidelines and instructions listed below.

**TECHNICAL DETAILS OF YOUR MAUREEN UNIT:**

**Name:** Maureen Johnson

**Type:** Human (female)

**Manufacturing Company:** Baby, Let's Have Fun Inc.

**Height:** Five feet, four inches.

**Controls:** Your MAUREEN unit is programmed to be voice-activated, but may also be stimulated by the presence of a JOANNE unit, women in rubber, thongs, and pecan ice cream.

**ACCESSORIES:**

Your MAUREEN unit is shipped to you without any extra shipping fee and includes its very own:

**Cowbell & Single Drumstick:** Your MAUREEN unit likes cows. She may want to make the cowbell ring at any given time, especially if discussing the drinking habits of a little place called... Cyberland.

**Microphone:** Your MAUREEN unit is a natural performer. Toss her this mic and prepare to be entertained.

Note: Baby, Let's Have Fun Inc. is not responsible for any early morning wake-up calls that may result due to the inclusion of this cowbell. Nighty night.

**Stage:** Your MAUREEN unit comes with her very own custom-built stage, no performance space or lot necessary. This foldable stage is durable and guaranteed to last through thousands of repetitions of your MAUREEN unit's Over the Moon protest.

**Clothes:** Your MAUREEN unit comes dressed in TIGHT LEAHTER PANTS, and a TORN SLEEVELESS SHIRT. She also comes with a bonus JACKET for post-Over the Moon usage, to ensure that your MAUREEN unit's gears do not freeze on the trek to the Life Cafe. Also, part of our limited time offer, your MAUREEN unit now comes with a SKIN-TIGHT RUBBER CATSUIT.

Note: Be wary. Suddenly almost everyone may find your MAUREEN unit incalculably hot.

Note: Your MAUREEN unit's clothes are removable for CLEANING PURPOSES ONLY.

**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS**

Your MAUREEN unit was manufactured and designed to be user-friendly and reliable.

Aside from being a solution for your boredom and the object of your affection/gloating, your MAUREEN unit has several practical and sensible uses:

_Drama Queen:_

Need someone to add spunk to your boring social event? Invite your MAUREEN unit along, and the experience is guaranteed to be unforgettable. Your MAUREEN unit is known to stand on tables and almost strip next to ice sculptures. There's spunk for you.

_Protester:_

Have a cause that you are passionate about? Let your MAUREEN unit tell the world.

_Shoe-Kisser/Slave (Within Reason):_

Your MAUREEN unit will kiss your Doc Martens, so let her. Your every wish she will obey.

Note: Barring the removal of her clothes. (See Accessories).

_Butt-Flaunter_

Not only can your MAUREEN unit look good in almost anything, she can flaunt her ass bare as well. Have some skin headed yuppie guy bothering you? Sic your MAUREEN unit's butt on him. She's only too happy to oblige.

**CLEANING:**

Your MAUREEN unit must be washed in warm water with peach bath salts. Should she be subjected to anything less than pampering, your MAUREEN unit has an EMERGENCY OH EM EFF GEE DIVA MODE that will kick on. Trust us; you REALLY don't want that to happen.

**FAQs (FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS)**

**Q:** Why did my MAUREEN unit's equipment break down?

**A:** Because it was key to the plot so that your MAUREEN unit's new girlfriend could meet her ex-boyfriend over the pretense of the broken sound equipment. And it was piece-of-shit equipment, that's why.

**Q: **Did my MAUREEN unit moon over other boys?

**A: **More then moon. Here, have a complimentary barf bag.

**Q:** Why do we love when our MAUREEN units are mean?

**A:** Uh... probably because you're MAUREEN fangirls.

**Q:** Is it normal for my MAUREEN unit to pout her lips and call me, 'Pookie'?

**A:** There's no easy way to say this... um... she cheated. SHE CHEATED. YOUR MAUREEN UNIT CHEATED. Fuckin' CHEATED! Yup, your MAUREEN unit is seeing another owner. Behind your back. Even though you bought and paid for her. And loved and hugged her. Tisk, tisk. You should have let her get her nipples pierced, dammit.

**Q:** My MAUREEN unit is mad at me/ is ignoring me. What should I do?

**A:** Did you swoon when she walked through the door? Chances are you didn't. Which means your MAUREEN unit has gone into her DIVA NEGLECT setting. Unfortunately, when your MAUREEN unit is programmed on this setting, it is rather difficult to reverse, as it is common nature for her. I mean, what the hell? Why wouldn't you swoon? You need to go contact Dr. Phil and have him try to help you deal with the fact that you are a TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE person. And you're lucky if he can help you at all.

**Q:** Still thirsty?

**A:** Parched.

**Q:** Is my MAUREEN unit's equipment in a pyramid?

**A:** Yes, thankfully your MAUREEN unit's ever faithful JOANNE unit saved you from a SPASTIC DRAMA QUEEN DIVA DRAMA DRAMA ATTACK... and a trip to Egypt.

**Q:** Sisters?

**A:** They're close.

**Q:** Why did my MAUREEN unit dress as a groundhog to protest the groundbreaking...?

**A:** It's a metaphor, you idiotface.

**Q:** Chips, anyone?

**A:** Damn, girl, are you from Hicksville? I can tell by the fact that you just offered me chips. Hicksville chicks love them some chippies.

**Q:** Does my MAUREEN unit do anything besides protest?

**A:** Sure she does. What are you, BORED with your MAUREEN unit? Damn. Well, we suggest buying a JOANNE unit. The female to female quarrels are just like your favorite TV show, only BETTER. You could also put your MAUREEN unit on its NYTW SETTING, and purchase a MARK unit if you'd like to witness a funny little ditty called "Over It." Oh, and if you program your MAUREEN unit to its IMPROMPTU SALON setting, you will witness your MAUREEN unit's hidden talent: she can perform Native American tribal chants backward through her vocoder while accompanying herself on the electric cello. Which, by the way, she ain't never effing studied. So don't effing ask if she studied it or we'll rip your effing face off. AHEM.

**Q:** Who said that your MAUREEN unit was talking to you?

**A:** Oooh, burn.

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

Note: Baby, Let's Have Fun Inc. is not responsible for any problems regarding your MAUREEN unit, as we are mainly credited to the assembly of your MAUREEN unit. Any internal problems that you should have concerning her character are NOT OUR PROBLEM. Should you have any questions or comments after reading this section, we recommend that you DEAL WITH IT. Should you have any complaints, we recommend that you GO TO HELL.

**Problem:** That's it, Miss Ivy League!

**Solution:** Don't be so selfish and make your MAUREEN unit stop clubbing just because _YOU_ wanted to go home.

**Problem:** That BENNY unit called the cops.

**Solution:** That fuck! Well, chances are, if you had the foresight to have your MAUREEN unit perform a protest that hypnotically entranced everyone in the lot to sit and moo for hours on end, everything will be fine. If you didn't... well, good luck surviving this one, RENThead.

**Problem:** My MAUREEN unit can't take them as chums.

**Solution:** Throw her a rope.

**Problem:** My MAUREEN unit is planning yet another extravagant protest.

**Solution:** Have you smelled the whiff of a scheme? Schemes tend to have very potent and definitive odors. We think you need an agent.

**Problem:** My MAUREEN unit is flirting with a woman in rubber.

**Solution:** Next time, wear rubber.

**Problem:** Ever since puberty, everybody stares at my MAUREEN unit.

**Solution:** Don't lose your mind. Individuals would become murderers to be in your position. So unless you come upon a jealous person with a knife or other life-threatening object, you can rest assured. Your MAUREEN unit is not programmed to be exceptionally loyal, but if you don't set harsh limits into her behavioral chip, she can be a real sweetheart. When she wants to.

**Problem:** My MAUREEN unit suddenly dumped her boyfriend for a chick.

**Solution:** Let her be a lesbian. There are other fishies in the sea. And yes, of course, your MAUREEN unit is a fish. You didn't know that? SHAME. ON. YOU.

**Problem:** Ow.

**Solution:** You bit your MAUREEN unit's tongue. AND YOU ARE TONGUING YOUR MAUREEN UNIT? If this is the case, you have developed a severe case of MAUREEN FANGIRL SYNDROME, and depending on whether you have you MAUREEN on its POST-RENT or CANON setting, we recommend that you purchase a MARK unit or a JOANNE unit pronto.

Note: We are now able to offer same-day shipping in such a case.

**Problem:** I took my MAUREEN unit out for a stroll and we stopped to shoot some hoops in the local park. Before I knew it, a basketball was slamming into my face!

**Solution:** We think your MAUREEN unit may have missed. Don't get pissed.

**Problem:** Whenever my MAUREEN unit comes into contact with a pool table, she climbs top it and flings the balls around angrily, screaming.

**Solution:** This is a technical glitch we have yet to solve in all MAUREEN units. If you are going somewhere that has a pool table, all we can recommend is to keep all JOANNE units out of the five mile radius. And make sure there are no cute drink servers, just to be safe.

**Problem:** My MAUREEN unit is afraid to commit to my JOANNE unit.

**Solution:** It is in your MAUREEN unit's nature to feel a little nervous about being tied down. Boundaries scare her. There isn't much you can do to remedy this, but in the meantime; we think it would be best that you try to restrain your MAUREEN unit from flirting with Alexi's receptionist. This may serve to avoid uncomfortable confrontations.

**FINAL NOTE: **

We hope that you enjoy your MAUREEN unit so much that you find yourself jumping up and down and waving your arms around, mooing spastically.

**------**

Aye, and there's MAUREEN for you.

Well, I personally liked the MARK one better, but I knew this MAUREEN chapter would be rough, because I'm not too big a fan of her, RENT character-wise.

Oh, and several people had requested that I write Roger's manual.

Well, you see...

I have started his. But Roggie's my personal fave. So I have a lot for him and I'm kinda saving it.

His will be the best. XD

Also... I'm planning on trying to update "One, Big, Dysfunctional Family" next.

So anyway, the ADAM PASCAL concert was awesome. We had the most amazingest seats ever, I could hardly believe it was all happening.

(CLOUD 9)

Reviews?


	3. MIMI MARQUEZ

How've you been, amigos? I've been busy writing other RENT-related things, but I was in the mood for another manual, so here's Mimi's. THANKS FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL REVIEWS! (Passes out virtual hugs and cookies)

**-----**

**The User's Guide and Manual to:**

**MIMI MARQUEZ**

**Copyright: Jon Larson's Musical Bots Ltd.**

**2007**

**Chief Technical and Mechanical Advisor: x Rajah x**

Congratulations, RENThead!

You are now the proud owner of your very own MIMI unit. We thank you for your purchase and hope that you will obtain maximum enjoyment from your MIMI unit.

In order to gain the most value from your MIMI unit, we advise that you adhere to the guidelines and instructions listed below.

**TECHNICAL DETAILS OF YOUR MIMI UNIT:**

**Name:** Mimi Marquez

**Type:** Human (female)

**Manufacturing Company:** Owwwoooot Tuunite Company.

**Height:** Five feet, seven inches if you've bought the FILM ADAPTATION USAGE MIMI unit. Five feet, two and a half inches if you've chosen the ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST MIMI unit.

**Controls:** Your MIMI unit is programmed to be voice-activated, but may also be stimulated by the presence of a ROGER unit, the cries of Spanish infants, a greasy-looking man with pockets full of jam (pick your flavor: strawberry or grape.),and BENNY units that like to be assholes. (Meaning ALL BENNY units.)

**ACCESSORIES:**

Your MIMI unit is shipped to you without any extra shipping fee and includes its very own:

**Unlit Candle:** Your MIMI unit has a thing for candles. Even more so, she has a thing for hot, emo, bad boys (AKA a ROGER unit, sold separately.) Your MIMI unit, if you have invested in the purchase of a ROGER unit, will likely fabricate the genius plan of using that candle to catch said hottie's eye.

Note: Beware of your ROGER unit's baggage in such a case. A complete hard drive and system maintenance sweep may be necessary.

**LEOPARD SKIN COAT:** Your MIMI unit is rather small and skinny, and needs this for extra warmth often.

Note: This coat is not guaranteed to protect your MIMI unit from extreme cold, nor in the event of your MIMI unit running off to live on the streets for any given time. If you wish to have in your possession an emergency back-up source of warmth for your MIMI unit, we recommend that you purchase a ROGER unit and have him sit on top of her and sing. That always works. We're telling you, that ROGER unit is a miracle worker.

**BLUE RUBBER PANTS:** Your MIMI unit comes with her very own custom-fitted, OBC-style blue rubber pants. This has been known to attract the attention of a gaggle of perverted, (usually married), and middle-aged men if your MIMI unit would be caught wearing them in public. (Or in the vicinity of the Catscratch Club.) Take extreme caution.

**Clothes:** Your MIMI unit comes dressed in SLUTTY CLOTHES, including BLACK LEATHER and LACE, which she manages to pull off at times and also looks quite pretty rather than slutty. She also comes with a bonus pair of HIGH HEELED BOOTS for usage during shifts at the Catscratch. Also, part of our limited time offer, your MIMI unit now comes with a SUPER-SHORT SKIRT, for FILM ADAPATION usage in the event that your MIMI unit should have to attend a commitment celebration.

Note: Your MIMI unit's clothes are removable for CLEANING PURPOSES ONLY.

**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS**

Your MIMI unit was manufactured and designed to be user-friendly and reliable.

Aside from being a solution for your boredom and the object of your affection/gloating, your MIMI unit has several practical and sensible uses:

_Date: _

Wanna hit the street? Wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat? Wow, that's weird, a cat in heat? Why would you want to...? And we don't approve of street abusers. Um, we digress. It may just be that you lack a prom date or something. Well, your MIMI unit is happy to go out.

Note: We think it would be best if you avoided any jealous ROGER units for at least 48 hours after any excursion. Or at least until the ROGER unit's memory drive crashes and the only thing that remains constant is his incessant Musetta's Waltz.

_Persuader:_

Since your MIMI unit's ways are so seductive, she can persuade angsty rockers not to be so counter-productive. You never know when such an ability may come in handy.

_Motivational Speaker:_

Your MIMI unit is chock full of carpe diem slogans and she smells of CONFIDENCE. Would you like to inspire the world? Or do you simply have a stuck-in-the-past, depressed, yet undeniably attractive guy on your hands that you wish to transform? It's easy with a MIMI unit. "No day but today."

"_You Just Got Owned" er:_

Damn, can your MIMI unit serve it up! She likes to kick people that think she's their whore, is always ready with a "My Father" joke, and finds great pleasure in leaving hot guys staring, mouth hanging open after she _burns_ them to a crisp. Your sharp-tongued MIMI will not hesitate to tell someone they are "full of shit" and is sure to bring you hours of entertainment and revenge-time.

_Rule Breaker:_

Every school needs that special someone. If you're a student, bringing your MIMI unit to class with you is a fun possibility. Her disregard for regulations of any type it sure to make you squee. As an added bonus, she breaks rules in games, and has since she was a little girl. So she can be the cheater in _Monopoly_ and people can stop accusing you. Beat that.

_Understudy in the Christmas Pageant:_

Damn it, the Scrooge of your "A Christmas Carol" failed to show. Have no fear, your MIMI unit's awesome "Bah humbug" powers make her the perfect replacement. Cheerio!

**CLEANING:**

Your MIMI unit must be washed in warm water with assorted fruit fragrance soaps. Should she be subjected to anything less than pampering, your MIMI unit might run away and live on the grimy streets, possibly resulting in her getting hit by a car, (life on a street can't be without this risk.) and potential death in the absence of ROGER and angelic ANGEL units.

Note: Should this happen, tell your MIMI unit, after she leaps over the moon (which surprisingly does not take long) to turn her skinny ass around and listen to that damn song that Roger took a whole 525,600 minutes of his life to write for her. I mean, that's DEDICATION (or lack of creativity?) DAMMIT!

**FAQs (FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS)**

**Q:** My MIMI unit is shivering and faint. Can she make it?

**A:** Yeah, it's all good in MIMI-town. The carousel-esque sensation and lack of appetite are both courtesy of your MIMI unit's little friend called Smack E. Mc Heroin. Which she met through THE MAN, who met him at a secret location, called affectionately and appropriately: "The Smack House." And NO, Akon does NOT live there.

**Q:** What'd you forget?

**A:** Oh, just my extremely hot new love interest. You seen him?

**Q:** Got a light?

**A:** Well, I have this desktop lamp thingy, and then there's the overhead light, and my night light (don't ask, alright?) plus there's the little bluish shadowy light that this dude named Adam Pascal is frustrated with that comes from my cell phone. So yeah, you could say I got a light... or two.

**Q:** I always remind people of- who was she?

**A:** (SOBSOBSOB!) You remind me of my dead girlfriend, alright? Huh? you happy now, you insensitive little bitch? Now that you got me all sad and shit? You remind me eerily of my DEAD girlfriend who left me tons of baggage- I'm still sorting through matching luggage sets. So take a number, babe, and get in that line of clearly underage teen fangirls over there.

**Q:** Would you light my candle?

**A:** Yes. No. Maybe so. Reply hazy, try again. Or ask again later, when I'm already dead from AIDS. Emo enough for you? Thanks, I try my best.

**Q:** What's that?

**A:** Candy bar rapper. Eminem. I can practically see you cringing.

**Q:** They say that I have the best ass below 14th street, is it true?

**A:** Nope. I mean... um... sure! Whatever puts you to bed at night, sweetheart. Whatever you say.

**Q:** How long 'til next year?

**A:** You asked that 3 and a half minutes ago!! It's the New Year, so... 525, 600 minutes 'til the next. Damn, girl, haven't you seen RENT?

**Q:** My MIMI unit is sweating. Is this bad?

**A:** She's either got BO from working out, or she's on drugs. Either way, you're up Shit Creek without a paddle, hun. (Waves hand in front of face: P.U!)

**Q:** Excuse me, did I do something wrong?

**A:** Hell yes. You got up in my face while I was TRYING to play my guitar. AGAIN! I take that as I threat, missy. And I don't appreciate you interrupting the beauty of my Musetta's Waltz. What the hell is your problemo, girl?

**Q:** He's right- where'd he go?

**A:** He's the hot guy in the plaid pants playing guitar across the room. Can't miss him.

**Q:** I mean, what does one wear that's appropo for a party that's also a crime?

**A:** Stolen jewelry? A dress made of firearms? A skirt stitched with counterfeit bills? The list goes on. Get your ANGEL unit on that, she's CREATIVE out the wazzoo.

**Q:** Do you go to the Catscratch Club? That's where I work- I dance.

**A:** That's nice. Will you be my "Tiny Dancer"?

**Q:** Your new BF doesn't know about us?

**A:** Like, hell no. I don't want him to know I dated you, _shetbag._

**Q:** What'd you do with my candle?

**A:** If it's any consolation, it's not lit, but it's up your "best below 14th street" ass. How do you like them _assles_? Ehem, I mean, APPLES? Granny smith or macintosh red? (Snap snap snap.)

**Q:** You wanna dance?

**A:** I. DON'T. DANCE. Especially not with druggies slash junkies. _Drugnkies._

**Q:** What's the time?

**A:** Past your bedtime, missy. Don't give me that "old for my age" shit.

**Q:** Got any D, man? Got any C, man? Got any X, any smack, any horse, any jugie boogie, boy? Any blow?

**A:** Get your own alphabet. Ask Akon, he's a smackin' expert. Try an equestrian farm for the horse. Go boogie down at a disco club. Blow? No flow.

**Q:** Can I make it up to you by taking you to a dinner party and forgetting you exist?

**A:** OMG, I LOVE DINNER PARTIES! Huggles?

**Q:** Why all of a sudden, the big about-face?

**A:** Because, your boots hurt!

**Q:** Coming?

**A:** Hang on; I gotta go get my drugs. You understand, right?

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

Note: Owwwoooot Tuunite Company is not responsible for any problems regarding your MIMI unit, as we are mainly credited to the assembly of your MIMI unit. Any internal problems that you should have concerning her character are NOT OUR PROBLEM. Should you have any questions or comments after reading this section, we recommend that you DEAL WITH IT. Should you have any complaints, we recommend that you GO TO HELL.

**Problem:** My MIMI unit has yet to be in it.

**Solution:** Press fast forward, dingus.

**Problem:** My MIMI unit is covered in serious second and third-degree burns.

**Solution:** Don't let her dance in the flames anymore. Send your MIMI unit to PA (not Pennsylvania, dummy. Pyromaniacs Anonymous!). While you're at it, send your ROGER and MARK units too.

**Problem:** My MIMI unit just climbed into a stranger window and kissed him. What do I do?

**Solution:** Who does she think she is? Mimi Marquez, or something? Geesh. And why did she have to go and ruin the poor man's intimate and private moment with his guitar? Your MIMI unit has some serious manners issues. And she needs to re-watch those "Don't-talk-to-strangers" videos from pre-K.

**Problem:** My MIMI unit just said, "Wow, it is pitch-black in here! Hey... what's my name again?"

**Solution:** Get your MIMI unit out of that dark bar immediately. Then tell her that her name is John Jacob Jingle-Heimer Schmitt. That's sure to get her WTFing.

**FINAL NOTE: **

We hope that you enjoy your MIMI unit so much that you find yourself full of unbridled RENThead glee.

----

"...plus there's the little bluish shadowy light that this dude named Adam Pascal is frustrated with that comes from my cell phone..."

...True story. Adam's fed up with those. ;) At the concert I went to, he RANTED. Like, literally. RANTED.

Tehehehe. So let me know what y'all thought of Meems. ;)

I had fun writing this. Lots of FAQs. I do believe this is how the order will go from this point on: Collins, Joanne, Angel, Benny, Roger.

But that could change. REVIEW PLEASE.


	4. THOMAS COLLINS

Hey!! (sprinkle kisses)

Happy New Year, everyone! It's about time to reawaken this little ficcy, no?

-~-~-~-~-~-

**The User's Guide and Manual to:**

**THOMAS COLLINS**

**Copyright: Jon Larson's Musical Bots Ltd.**

**2009**

**Chief Technical and Mechanical Advisor: x Rajah x**

Congratulations, RENThead!

You are now the proud owner of you very own COLLINS unit. We thank you for your purchase and hope that you will obtain maximum enjoyment from your COLLINS unit.

In order to gain the most value from your COLLINS unit, we advise that you adhere to the guidelines and instructions listed below.

**TECHNICAL DETAILS OF YOUR COLLINS UNIT:**

**Name:** Thomas B. Collins

**Type:** Human (male)

**Manufacturing Company:** Prairie Daaawgs Inc.

**Height:** Six feet, 2 and three-quarter inches. AKA ...pretty fucking tall.

**Controls:** Your COLLINS unit is programmed to be voice-activated, but may also be stimulated by the presence of an ANGEL unit, Stoli or other alcoholic beverages, meatless balls, and mercurochrome.

**ACCESSORIES:**

Your COLLINS unit is shipped to you without any extra shipping fee and includes its very own:

_Bustelo, Marlboro, banana by the bunch, box of Captain Crunch, and firewood:_ Your COLLINS unit is prepared. So why not build a fort and camp out? Just don't clap, you'll hurt his ears!

_Marijuana:_ His bestest friend. Don't like drugs? o.O... Why the hell did you choose a COLLINS unit then, dumbass?

_Clothes:_ Your COLLINS unit comes dressed in PANTS, a SHIRT, and a VEST. It also comes with a free LEATHER JACKET for post-Christmas Bells usage. Also, for a limited time, we include a BEANIE for free. It comes in two colors: black or white. Please specify MUSICAL or MOVIE ADAPTATION when ordering.

Note: If you specify MOVIE ADAPTATION when ordering your COLLINS unit, the LEATHER JACKET will be included for I'll Cover You usage.

Note: No, there is no custom order that makes your COLLINS unit arrive pantsless.

Note: Your COLLINS unit's clothes are removable for CLEANING PURPOSES ONLY.

**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:**

Your COLLINS unit was manufactured and designed to be user-friendly and reliable.

Aside from being a solution for your boredom and the object of your affection/gloating, your COLLINS unit has several practical and sensible uses:

_Specimen for Pleasing the Eye:_

Your COLLINS unit is adorable. He's especially cute when he blushes. Or so we've been told.

_Computer Genius:_

Screw the Geek Squad, you've got your COLLINS unit now. Computer woes? He can do ANYTHING.

_Vagabond Anarchist:_

Have some virtual reality equipment just lying around, begging to be blown up? Ta-da! Your COLLINS unit comes to the rescue.

_Teacher:_

Your COLLINS unit is fucking brilliant. He can tell you a thing or two.

**CLEANING:**

Your COLLINS unit must be washed in comfortably warm shower water, with Dove Body Wash, and preferably with an ANGEL unit. Should he be subjected to anything less, Prairie Daaawgs Inc. is not responsible for any injury acquired by the consumer.

**FAQs (FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS)**

**Q:** Roger picked up the phone?  
**A:** It is possible that your COLLINS unit has gone completely deaf, for no, Roger has NOT picked up the phone. He is deathly afraid of telephones. It is quite obviously Mark that has picked up the phone, and Mark has a voice clearly different from Roger's. This is something you should be concerned about.

Note: Should you need to have your COLLINS unit repaired for any reason, we have a 24 hour hotline you can call: 1-800-555-JUSPLAYINWITUBOY.

**Q:** What is my COLLINS unit's favorite Christmas Carol?  
**A:** Clearly it is: "Chestnuts roasting..."

**Q:** What does he mean, "detained"?  
**A:** He means simply this: he's going to get his ass kicked, and then he's going to meet someone who will capture him and take him home to heal that cute ass right up.

**Q:** Where is he?  
**A:** Gettin' busy... erm, dizzy. He WILL get busy if you don't hurry up and grab him before a coincidentally gay and HIV positive street drummer snatches him up.

**Q:** You okay, honey?  
**A:** Clearly your COLLINS unit is not okay. What a silly question. Take him home and fix him up. You could call our hotline, but that would take all the fun out of it, no?

**Q:** They get any money?  
**A:** Yes, because clearly your COLLINS unit is a rich ass man like Trump with buttloads of money.

**Q:** "Oh hi" after seven months?  
**A:** Would you rather I said, "Fuck off"?

**Q:** Still haven't left the house?  
**A:** I will now that you're here, COLLINS. You smell of... poop.

**Q:** You teach?  
**A:** Yeah, my students are dumbasses that would rather watch TV than learn! WHAT THE HELL!?? Students are NEVER like that.

**Q:** Do you know the way to Santa Fe?  
**A:** Not sure about this, but I'm pretty sure you go.... west. Just past those tumbleweeds and around the bend from that patch of prairie dog burrows. You can't miss it. Try MapQuest, Mr. Computer Genius. DUR.

**Q:** Why is my COLLINS unit wearing sunglasses?  
**A:** 'Cause he's a tight ass motherfucker, what the hell kind of dumbass question is that? You think that's outrageously awesome, wait until you see Pussy Galore, in person, beeeotch!

**Q:** Tutoring again? Back at NYU?  
**A:** You two never learn. When a COLLINS unit walks in with unusual amounts of money, he definitely didn't get it by legal means.

**Q:** Champagne?  
**A:** YOU KILLED MY DOG!

**Q:** Why won't my Collins unit won't love me like I love him...? (fangirl tears)  
**A:** He likes boys.

**Q:** What if there's an emergency?  
**A:** COLLINS will call for a doctor, honey...

**Q:** What brings a mogul in his own mind to the Life Cafe?  
**A:** Jackasses gotta eat too! Plus, who else will the MAUREEN unit moon?

**Q:** Are we a thing?  
**A:** See above question about love.

**Q:** Where's everyone else?  
**A:** Oh, well you see... they got this awesome new Spiderman videogame.

**Q:** How did Alison find out about Mimi?  
**A:** Since we last checked, ANGEL wasn't a bird. Although... she may be a flamingo. That's possible.

**TROUBLESHOOTING:**

Note: Prairie Daaawgs Inc. is not responsible for any problems regarding your COLLINS unit, as we are mainly credited to the assembly of your COLLINS unit. Any internal problems that you should have concerning his character are NOT OUR PROBLEM. Should you have any questions or comments after reading this section, we recommend that you DEAL WITH IT. Should you have any complaints, we recommend that you GO TO HELL.

**Problem:** My COLLINS unit can't seem to stay on his feet. What should I do?

**Solution:** Chances are, your COLLINS unit has had the shit beaten out of him. It's a small technical glitch in COLLINS units, which can usually only be solved completely with the purchase of an ANGEL unit. If this occurs and you don't have an ANGEL unit, we recommend that you immediately place an order for one. In the meantime, your COLLINS unit should lay down. Don't let him ever go trick-or-treating. Keep him close, and change his optical settings, for this incident causes your COLLINS unit's optical settings to change to the "BROWN ONLY" mode, which can only be adjusted manually. Make sure you have some mercurochrome, and let your ANGEL unit do the rest.

**Problem:** Some asshole purloined my COLLINS unit's coat.

**Solution:** This is a common problem with a very simple solution. Set your COLLINS unit for post- I'll Cover You usage and then make sure he's wearing his leather jacket (including with purchase) and has an ANGEL unit by his side (sold separately).

**Problem:** My COLLINS unit was expelled from MIT for his theory of actual reality.

**Solution:** Those _Mass_holes! _(A.N. Thanks, Steph!)_ Well, you know NYU would be happy to provide a job for your COLLINS unit. We heard that there's a group of potatoes that need educating.

**Problem:** My COLLINS unit is thwarted by a metaphysic puzzle.

**Solution:** Oh damn, that's one of those puzzles with the thousands of pieces that you spend months putting together only to find that there is pieces missing. PLEASE, get your COLLINS unit away from that puzzle.

**Problem:** My COLLINS unit is sick of grading papers.  
**Solution:** Tell him to suck it up and buy him a new packet of red pens.

**Problem:** My COLLINS unit has taken to shouting in his sleep.  
**Solution:** Apologize to the neighbors and buy him a muzzle.

**Problem:** My COLLINS unit's students would rather watch TV.  
**Solution:** They'd rather watch TV than stare lovingly as your adorable COLLINS unit tries to teach them? What the fuck is wrong with those kids? Check them into an insanity ward, quick.

**Problem:** My COLLINS unit is lacking in baggage to lay at my feet.  
**Solution:** Why not let him make up for that with kisses?

**Problem:** My COLLINS unit wants me to give him some way to show how he's touched me so.  
**Solution:** TMI. We don't want to see any R-rated dioramas of the undoubtedly lewd things you do to your COLLINS unit in secret.

**FINAL NOTE:**

We sincerely hope that you enjoy your new COLLINS unit so much that you find yourself twirling around poles on the subway.

* * *

Well… my document manager went really wacko on me and made this all strangely spaced and bold and shit and I have no idea what the fuck is going on...

Sorry.

Anywaizzz, I completely forgot how fun this fic was.

I want to get this one going again. Let me know how I did, reviewer peoples, if you're still out there.

I'M SOORRRRRYYYY!

Oh and ZOMGGG I AM SEEING ADAM AND ANTHONY IN RENT IN 7 DAYS!!!!!!! :DDDDD


End file.
